Emotions

Note: Possible triggers for depression. 


I have to say, probably one of the worse things about living with ADHD are the days when my emotions are coming at me all at once.

One of the things about having ADHD, is because I don't have that little filter that screens my thoughts and my impulses, I don't have anything to screen and filter emotions. So when I say I feel emotion, I FEEL emotion. It's like a...a cave-in of emotion that hits me full force, over and over again. It's all negative emotion hitting me at once too: anger, sadness, guilt, anxiety, hitting me all at once. Then it just covers me and buries me alive. It must be what being buried alive is like because it certainly feels that way. And while I'm trying to figure my way out, I can hear someone calling out to me. I know they are trying to help, but here I am, trying to dig my out of another emotional cave-in and not let it overwhelm me, and in my haste of trying to dig myself out, I snap at them. And snap at them again. And I keep snapping until they go away, which piles on more guilt and more frustration because I literally can't stop myself from snapping.

I'm vulnerable, I'm buried alive and running out of air. My brain is fried and trying to figure out what the hell is going on. I know the person above me is trying to help and I want the help, but how can they help when I can barely help myself? How can they help me sort out emotions when I can't even figure out what the hell I'm even feeling? Everything is just a mess in my brain.

The worse part of it is, it comes out of nowhere...for no reason...

As you probably already figured out, I had one of those days a couple days ago. No...correction: I've been having one of those weeks. And I don't know why. I manage to cope with it; when this particular episode happened, I was heading to my aunt's house to do lawn work so I was able to take it out on a grape vine sorely in need of pruning while blasting Demon Hunter from my iPod (which I now need to find...crap...). So I know how to dig my way out and fix the already shaky walls. But I don't know what triggers it or why. All I know is how to deal with the aftermath.

As I said, no emotional filter is one of the worst things about living with ADHD. Because when that shaky, cracked wall collapses, there's not a solid foundation to catch me. Just a hole that tries to bury me alive and keep me in there while I try to dig my way out. And I have to dig my way out...otherwise I'm stuck in that dark hole, buried alive. I've already spent a year buried alive in that hole and I've just crawled my way out of it. I don't want to go back in it again.

This really wasn't what I meant to talk about. I'm honestly not sure what I wanted to talk about. I knew I wanted to talk about how sometimes emotions, especially negative emotions are overwhelming, but this...this was not what I had in mind. I guess it was just something I needed to get out.